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“take your power back”

Subject line: it was really good to see you…

call me crazy… call me whatever you want… why the F is it that 2+yrs later so many things still haunt me, you have moved on & i am…from the depths of my heart, with complete sincerity..am happy your happy …..really, i love you & want NOTHING but good positive things for you in your life.. i have been patient in my quest of love endeavors & i have had some phenomenal women enter my life & i have had many beautiful things unfold with said women, however….no matter how honest i get & how vulnerable i allow myself to be, something still holds me back….is it my inabilities..or do you still hold a piece of me, these questions i am answerless to ….you know what im talkin about & someone may read this & say….”take your power back” or something similar, well…..its not that simple….some energetic conversions are not that easy to just “eject” at will…. i have done work around “us” & the “not us” of us… are you still holding something of me?? my life is ticking by & i wanna live…..I by no means hold you responsible for what my life is/is becoming i am not pointing any fingers at you….just asking, so i know ) its just a question…… i want to plant new cotton fields & i want to be able to fully embrace the harvest


“I do not seek to replace you”

The promises to be friends, I suppose those promises were made before knowing how difficult they would be to keep. Yes, I do miss you, and no I do not seek to replace you. My relationship with you pushed too far all the normal boundries and now I am afraid I cannot began a relationship with another man because he will fail in my mind before he ever begins. You gave me far too muich and now I cannot even bring myself to try to replace the emptyness you have left.My attempts to do so are reduced to a sadistic practice, knowing whatever the man who wants me see in my face doesn’t exsist anywhere inside of me. Fragile beauty, unable to care.or breath. I find myself sitting in dives, watching people around me, wondering at their lives. I listen to them so drunk they can barely stand tell me about their lovers and their pain, and for those few hours, I am distracted from my own. I do not know how knowing these things can help you in your new life. Perhaps, knowing I love you brings you some sort of peace, me I have not slept since September.


“I regret some of our bad memories”

Subject line: new destinations, out of the grey

we spoke briefly and it was nice. glad you have found somebody new whom you love and who loves you, and grateful the same has happenned to me.
I found it odd when you told me ‘you couldn’t pay me to live in Toronto’. I mean I know you have so much experience there and all. a big spread out city with many havens actually, and I’ll be up against a beautiful canyon with a plethora of nature. an agressive city a more dangerous city, but place is what people make of it also and there is much sunchine and people seem happier than in greytown.

As you spit on my next destination, i quietly wondered about your upcoming move to Bellingham? A beautiful place, yes, but have fun been being that far North and the isolation from people you know, not to mention the added rain and grey. Well, at least I wouldn’t tell you that as beautiful as bham is and as much fun as I’ve had there in my life, you’d actually need to pay me to live there as well. I suppose the would be kind of a dig, or at a minimum ignorant contempt prior to investigation of a place.

As we go into our directions of life from here seperate of each other I just want to wish you the best in life. What a crazy couple of years we had together getting sober! I regret some of our bad memories but will always remember the good ones, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for helping me to see that window I was able to climb through, the window into sobriety. Good luck Richard, I believe in you!


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