Ok What is your secret? You are like a magnet, pulling me in every direction.  I don’t know if you remember but one time when we were out side your house talking, and I was dropping off a kennel we had borrowed from your mom, I told you that I use the church as a excuse to talk to you.  Its true, but now I am looking for every excuse I can, to call and hear your laugh and even your sigh.  Even just to text you.  When I call on my way home, I stop when I get to Macdonalds, to keep talking.  I don’t want to stop talking.  It is great to hear the love you have for your daughter.  I hurt to hear the pain you have dealing with your mom.  I have so many things I want to ask and learn about you. I fear that I am being to bold, that is why I keep asking if I make you nervous.  I am worried that after you read this, you will run.  If I am scaring you, please let me know, and I will run.  I too, try to say what I feel, and I know that this may scare you off, which is the last thing I want. Please don’t let this scare you. I worry that others will notice me looking your direction, so I try hard not to stare.  When you sat in front of us at church, I noticed every move you made, looking for signs of stress, (even a scowl) wanting to protect you.  Hoping to see the spark in your eyes.  I worry that you will think that I am just a married horn dog, I hope you don’t.  I am not looking for anything, except to understand the things I feel.  I want you to know, that I love my wife dearly. I would never let anything get in the way.  And I also know that other real emotions exist out side of marriage. I told you one time that I have a story to tell you, I still do, and have been waiting for the right time. If this note doesn’t scare you off, then maybe soon. If you want to get me in real trouble, this letter would do it.  I am taking that risk, hoping you understand.  If I can borrow a couple of lines from the second song on the CD I gave you,  “I don’t want to mess this thing up, I don’t want to push to hard”, “I don’t want to leave”, We don’t need to rush this, lets just take it slow”, “Lets do this right”.

Almost 5 years and I still wake up every day thinking of you — spend my nights dreaming of you.

This time of the year is always the hardest. It was during this time that it all started to unravel — despite that I thought I was doing what I should, what was expected.

I’m sorry for the mistake I made. I should have told you I loved you sooner. I should have told you how much you meant to me sooner. But, I was scared. I was scared of what it meant, scared if I could, scared of ending up here if I did, alone and lost. I should have told you at your Birthday party that year, while I sat next to you, holding you. That picture still haunts me, the two of us sitting with each other — all your friends sitting around us. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. I’m sorry that my actions didn’t speak louder than 3 simple words — I thought for sure they did.

I should have shouted it out at your party, to the world. Stood atop the tallest peak and made sure the world knew just how much I loved you and more importantly that you knew how much I loved you, cherished you. In the end, I tried in my own way, but failed horribly and embarrassed you, me — my love. I’m sorry.

I miss it all. I hate it all. I loved all of it and I long for it all back, still. I can’t escape you here in our home. I’m surrounded by what was and what should have been. And, I can’t heal. I can’t grow. I can’t move on. This is my prison. Where is my closure. Where is my escape.

I’m sorry. I love you still, wishing I couldn’t, wouldn’t and shouldn’t. Alone in our home, looking out the windows at what was and what could have been.

I miss you so much. We had an amazing thing but it terrified you. You were the best friend I ever had. You were too scared to get hurt, but I never would have hurt you. Instead you hurt me and the baby. I ended saying things that were harsh, but I was trying to make you see reality and not sugar coat everything. I still love you with all my heart. And the baby misses you. I pray every day that you get your shit together so that you will no longer be afraid to let anyone else in. I wish you the best. I’ve made up my mind, I’m moving to NY as soon as I possibly can. Without you, nothing feels right here anymore. Good luck. Take care of yourself. I love you and miss you.

It’s been a few weeks since you burned me in the worst way you could think of. I really just want to forget you and move on. But you’re in my dreams again. And all the shitty things I’ve done since you to move on have just made me miss your late night visits more. I don’t know how, but I let you break me. If you hadn’t crossed that last line I could forgive everything else. We could have gone back to how things used to be in a few months, or could have just been close friends. But you’re a coward, and you had someone finish what was mine. That’s the closest thing I have to a god, and you shit all over it. So I really wish I didn’t even care enough to hate you, but you got under my skin…. I didn’t deserve any of that treatment. Fuck you.

Yes, I am still missing you, and missing the energy you always gave me when I had you in my life. Isn’t that what love is? An energy or force shared with someone that sees you through each and every day, and they put that skip in your walk, and are always there to catch you so you don’t fall down. I know you have a lot of other options in your life, but I always thought some angel(if there is such a thing) would lead you to my doorstep, and our connection would once again have its power over each of us, and make us irreplaceable to one another. I certainly hope if you can’t find your way to door #2, which I am in back of, that some sort of guardian angel is out there that will steer you in my direction. Serendipity has made our paths cross time and again, but with the next time, I want it to be that we actually make the effort to be the source of strength we were for one another once upon a time. I have a lot of friends, but, my dear, you were irreplaceable! Please rethink me, and give me some serious consideration on making an effort to reach out to me, because I know we were good for one another, and could be so good for each other once again. I’d take 17 giant steps to go in your direction, if you gave me the opportunity! I’m not very far away, and miss your energy, and the fun we always shared together. Please make the effort to come take my hand, because I miss that firm grasp!

-We both love trees and the environment (in fact you worked in the field once before)
-We dig naturalistic lifestyle (you have a cold again and all i want to do is make you some breathe right tea w honey and snuggle you to death!)
-We are both insanely positive and energetic (most of the time. today was kind of an exception.)
-We love animals
-Educated
-Self Empowered
-Respectful
-And most importantly, we share the same theology regarding religion etc..

The makings for something solid are undeniable from my end whether as friends or something more…

I am finishing your class soon and am not happy about it. Not because I feel the need to learn more about architecture but, because I will not get to see you anymore. Honestly, I think about you constantly and seeing you literally makes me weak in the knees.

The impression I get is you’re unavailable because I am your student and look slightly “edgy”, but ya never know. You have a wild side I can tell but I promise you I am a gentlemen. I know I could show you how beautiful life can be and honestly, I respect you TOO much to ever want to hurt you. We have only been able to chat a few times and that was enough for me to see how many similar interests we have.

PLUS, you’re a Gemini. Both my best friend and lost love of my life are Gemini’s, something surprising because astrology suggests we wouldn’t get along. I wish so badly that I can get through to you and perhaps we can start seeing each other outside those walls you work in, but I’m afraid you would think I’m not YOUR type, when in actuality I am EXACTLY your type. (minus my style I presume.)

I think you’re the most amazing and strong woman I have ever met and that’s what my life craves. A woman to possibly grow old with. A woman I believe is sexier for her charisma and attitude versus looks alone. BUT YOU HAVE IT ALL ! YOU HAVE IT ALL!

And now, because of a supreme lack of jobs here I have to leave this city and head back east. Sure its only an hour, but that is too far knowing you’re here and that I’m probably not going to have a chance to ask you out. So today, I am sad. Its not as if I’m obsessed with you or something. I’ve been single for nearly four years and you ARE the first woman who has been able to completely captivate me. I could spend a lifetime wanting to know more about you and am sad because I fear I won’t ever have the opportunity. Boo!