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“you made me feel SOOOO alive”

After 2 years of crushing on you, 2 years of building a slow, steady, flirty friendship… you made me feel SOOOO alive, so invigorated, so special… meeting and knowing you put an extra spring in my step for 2 years that I wouldn’t take back ONE day of. All the feelings, emotions, and heavy duty attraction I felt for you was SO AWESOME. And all this time you were kind of a tease, because you flirted with me too, and you still did even this past Saturday morning when we said good bye. It was so awesome hanging out with you this weekend, and crushing on you all this time, even though I never told you this, even though I never came onto you… we subtly have our language tho that I wish we could take to another level. We touch each other lightly, and hug a lot, I know that all counts for something… but this last visit, looking at your beautiful face and soul, hanging out with you all night, you make me feel SOO alive SOO turned on, yet it’s torture because I will never have the balls to make a move, and seemingly you won’t either, and even though you know I am bi, and I THINK you are straight, you sure don’t act it! If only you were more open, more aggressive, you could totally have me. But after 2 years, I am finally defeated. I was hoping bi now, you would have made more of a move. Now I can’t be in the same room as you without my crotch pounding with wanton desire. I can’t hug you without wanting to press my lips onto yours. Unless you give me more in return, I must retreat and cut back on our friendship. I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t regret my crush on you, but now, I am crushed. You are sooooo beautiful, Rob and you probably have no idea how beautiful and fucking amazing you are. I will always be here for you, but I am no longer going to chase you for time and attention. It’s your turn and when you decide to open up more, I would love to continue what we started………. xoxox my dear crush…

“Stop being stubborn and talk to me”

Subject line: what happened to us?

Why cant you get over this? Its been too long. Stop being stubborn and talk to me….I know you think that I hate you…I dont. We both hurt each other, but running away is not the answer. You said I was different and you could never live without me…you said I was the first girl you ever wanted to change and be a better man for, please show me. Im not gone yet, but im losing hope everyday. Just meet me in the middle…I love you, need you, and miss you everyday. I have tried to talk to you and you didnt want to, so I cant do anymore. This time it has to come from you. Please dont wait too much longer. Be that man I know you are and fell in love with last May…

“Life without you has no meaning”

Subject line: I just miss you…

Three months after our final goodbye..Still haunted by your memory and the mistakes I made. Life without you has no meaning. God I miss you.. I keep hoping for the day that I know will never come……….Love you baby

“I hope you enjoyed the flowers”

Subject line: I was the luckiest man in the world

We fell in love, then I got scared when we got engaged and imploded our relationship. It was the worst thing Ive ever done in my life. At first I thought it was because of how it made me feel, but I’ve finally realized it was because I hurt you while you were nothing but an innocent person who had given me her heart. I’ll never be able to make up for it and I know I need to let you heal and move on with your life. So I’m writing this to get out my feelings instead of actually talking to you about this. You’re just too amazing of a woman to not share your love with someone who actually deserves you. That said I’ll never be able to really move on from you and my heart will always belong to you. I just wish I had figured all this out before it was too late. I’ll love you always and forever.

PS – I hope you enjoyed the flowers I sent you and I’m sorry I never did that when I should have either

“I write to you, though you’ll never read it”

Subject line: Please listen
I saw you again, this morning, as I waded through images of the same you. I laughed out loud. I felt happy for you. I teared up. I wished I were next to you. I’m trying so hard to reconcile the many faces with the one voice, the one voice that has threaded time.

I think I understand, and then I find myself deaf and dumb. I try and talk to you, but you won’t. I write to you, though you’ll never read it. I have just one fact, it’s all I’ve got, and it would stand up to no one and to everyone. I worry I’m not the person you think I am as I can’t seem to see clearly, and yet I know without a doubt that my love explodes the boundaries of those letters.

Then I remind myself that this whole thing is a doozie, and that I’m doing the best I can, and that it’s okay to cry and smile, and that love never fails. You’re with me all of the time.

I even thought you’d come with tonight’s storm. I should take your advice… But I won’t.

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