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Currently Browsing: Regret

“another year. Still no word from you”

Subject line: Will I ever hear from you again?

My birthday came and passed another year. Still no word from you, Laura. Wow, I really can’t believe I still miss you, but I do. I know what it takes for me to move forward without you, I just don’t want that for my life. You really gave me something to believe in: Sincerity. I don’t know what to believe anymore… other than I still hope to hear from you again. You are such a sweet person and for us to have left our relationship the way we did just doesn’t speak well for either of us. I’d love to hear from you. You are so important to me and my life. It just isn’t the same without you. It wasn’t the same with you, either: it was much better.

“You were my superman”

Subject line: I dream about you all the time

I wish I could feel your arms around me again, it was the only time I felt safe. You were my superman, until you stopped loving me. I’m not mad (anymore) about what happened, I found a way to fill the hole in my heart, and I have found someone else to give that love to, even though I haven’t met them yet. I dream about you every night, and wake up sad because I miss you so much. You still need me, and I still need you. All those “what ifs” still haunt me. Now it’s just, what if I found the right words to say…what if I showed him how much I was truly in love with him…what if he knew that I would’ve done anything for him if he just wanted to be my man…WHAT IF? I feel so distant to you now, yet still so connected. When we talk it’s hard to even remember where I am because it’s still so surreal that we’re over. I still love you, I always will. I’m sorry about everything. I wish I could say this to those beautiful eyes, but that in itself would be a betrayal to myself.

“I pray every night for you and your peace”

Subject line: My dearest Liana

My dearest Liana. I know I broke your heart, and once broken it cannot be mended as you told me. I know I can never have you in my life again, even though I pray every night for you and your peace. I am so heart broken, I miss you with every ounce of my being. I have lost the one that loved me with all of her heart and I loved her with all of my soul, but tossed it away like so much trash in one moment of stupidity. I still love you and am still in love with you. I see you in my mind with the birds, cursing because Jamie removed the bolt from the door and it fell on your foot. Or as you walked and sang to them with gusto and abandonment. I miss you pumpkin head, I miss you with all of me, and will do anything in my power to have you back. I know you said you forgive me, and you also said you do not love me anymore and all of these things I accept, but the hurt and loss is to great to bear, it weighs heavy on me, to heavy to carry. The tears make it hard to type and the emotions make it hard to think but one thing remains clear, I love you still, I will always love you. I love you so much I will let you go and be happy elsewhere. Be at peace dear Liana.

“the right decision when you returned the ring back to the jewelers”

Subject line: Putting it out there and out of my head

I know I ended it and despite you think its not going to hurt me…it will and is. You may think its temporary like in the past and I will crawl back. We have tried for two years to get back to what we once had and I just cant get back to that point. I guess you made the right decision when you returned the ring back to the jewelers a few years back, because look where we are. Some of the lifestyle we had will not be repeated by me in the future but it was fun while it lasted. I was glad you opened my mind to ultenative ways of thinking. I learned by you and thats sometimes why people cross your path.
When you were good you were really good, when you were bad…you were ugly. It takes two and your not all the blame, i take my part in all of this. I will miss our good times…our bad times and our tears.
I am sorry this chapter didnt have a happy ending, but I dont regret trying for Five years to make it work. At our age, we dont have time to put another 5yrs into this and we just keep repeating the same bad habits. I love you and you will always have a place in my heart but someones gotta say when.

“But if I never hear from you again, I understand.”

Subject line: She stood up on the bank and she whispered…

I’m sure you don’t want to hear from me, since I haven’t heard from you. I know things got a little carried away in the end. I know you were tired of the “rollercoaster”. And truth be told, I don’t blame you. I’m really sorry I messed things up so badly because I find myself missing you… don’t worry I’m not in love with you or pining over you or any such garbage… but I do miss you. You were a pain in the ass. You were opinionated and overbearing. But you did make me want to become a better person and for that I am grateful. I’ve even managed to resolve certain things I was avoiding dealing with. But… celibacy sucks. I’ve had my chances but so far the comfort factor is lacking. And it was so easy with you from early on. I miss your body. And for the millionth time… NOT faking. I’m still horrified I said that and the outcome that it brought. But I was such a terror at the end I deserve everything I got, and then some. I’m sure by now you’ve moved on and I wish you well! I hope you’ve found what you’re missing. You’re pretty awesome most of the time and you deserve great things. You don’t have to be a stranger you know. But if I never hear from you again, I understand.

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