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Currently Browsing: Regret

“5 years since you left me here.”

Subject line: I miss you
It’s almost 5 years now. 5 years since I uprooted my life for you. 5 years since I did everything for you. 5 years since you left me here.

Almost 5 years and I still wake up every day thinking of you — spend my nights dreaming of you.

This time of the year is always the hardest. It was during this time that it all started to unravel — despite that I thought I was doing what I should, what was expected.

I’m sorry for the mistake I made. I should have told you I loved you sooner. I should have told you how much you meant to me sooner. But, I was scared. I was scared of what it meant, scared if I could, scared of ending up here if I did, alone and lost. I should have told you at your Birthday party that year, while I sat next to you, holding you. That picture still haunts me, the two of us sitting with each other — all your friends sitting around us. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. I’m sorry that my actions didn’t speak louder than 3 simple words — I thought for sure they did.

I should have shouted it out at your party, to the world. Stood atop the tallest peak and made sure the world knew just how much I loved you and more importantly that you knew how much I loved you, cherished you. In the end, I tried in my own way, but failed horribly and embarrassed you, me — my love. I’m sorry.

I miss it all. I hate it all. I loved all of it and I long for it all back, still. I can’t escape you here in our home. I’m surrounded by what was and what should have been. And, I can’t heal. I can’t grow. I can’t move on. This is my prison. Where is my closure. Where is my escape.

I’m sorry. I love you still, wishing I couldn’t, wouldn’t and shouldn’t. Alone in our home, looking out the windows at what was and what could have been.

“enough is enough”

Subject line: I’m sorry i’m not perfect!!!
Your right I can be an asshole I also can be a very loving man who thinks of others before himself unless you make a decision thinking only about you with no regard for others feelings you say mean thing when your mad I understand but at least make them truthful or you should do what you say you need and keep them private you really need to face your problems in a different way because it should be obvious by now that your way isn’t working I know I can be very mean I also know I love you and forgave you over and over my problem is holding resentment I should have been honest after the second incident and parted ways now it’s much harder to deal with we have created a great home together only to let go of due to privacy being violated without wasting much time it’s obvious you and me aren’t meant to be we gave it a run now let’s be adults and let it go life is too short too hate and dwell there is that right person out there for each of us I wish you the best sweetheart and I’m sorry for the pain we’ve delt with in this relationship but enough is enough

“I remind myself that you’re out there, somewhere”

Subject line: Random confession

Sometimes, when I’m walking on my tip-toes to keep my face out of the shit, I remind myself that you’re out there, somewhere. I tell myself again and again that you’re out having the time of your life. Riding your bike up some mountain. Taking a train to distant, wonderful galaxies. Having a drink with a couple of friends. Fucking your boyfriend. Dancing around to that music I don’t like. Discussing the metaphysical ramifications of a bowl of frosted flakes. Whatever it is you may do, I say it over and over until I finally feel crazy enough to get back to work.

And I love you for that, in my own special way.

“take your power back”

Subject line: it was really good to see you…

call me crazy… call me whatever you want… why the F is it that 2+yrs later so many things still haunt me, you have moved on & i am…from the depths of my heart, with complete sincerity..am happy your happy …..really, i love you & want NOTHING but good positive things for you in your life.. i have been patient in my quest of love endeavors & i have had some phenomenal women enter my life & i have had many beautiful things unfold with said women, however….no matter how honest i get & how vulnerable i allow myself to be, something still holds me back….is it my inabilities..or do you still hold a piece of me, these questions i am answerless to ….you know what im talkin about & someone may read this & say….”take your power back” or something similar, well…..its not that simple….some energetic conversions are not that easy to just “eject” at will…. i have done work around “us” & the “not us” of us… are you still holding something of me?? my life is ticking by & i wanna live…..I by no means hold you responsible for what my life is/is becoming i am not pointing any fingers at you….just asking, so i know ) its just a question…… i want to plant new cotton fields & i want to be able to fully embrace the harvest

“I do not seek to replace you”

The promises to be friends, I suppose those promises were made before knowing how difficult they would be to keep. Yes, I do miss you, and no I do not seek to replace you. My relationship with you pushed too far all the normal boundries and now I am afraid I cannot began a relationship with another man because he will fail in my mind before he ever begins. You gave me far too muich and now I cannot even bring myself to try to replace the emptyness you have left.My attempts to do so are reduced to a sadistic practice, knowing whatever the man who wants me see in my face doesn’t exsist anywhere inside of me. Fragile beauty, unable to care.or breath. I find myself sitting in dives, watching people around me, wondering at their lives. I listen to them so drunk they can barely stand tell me about their lovers and their pain, and for those few hours, I am distracted from my own. I do not know how knowing these things can help you in your new life. Perhaps, knowing I love you brings you some sort of peace, me I have not slept since September.

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