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Currently Browsing: Long Love Letters

“Just making pancakes for you, made me happier than all the gold and money and riches in the entire world”

Subject line: utterly lost & wandering now

I’m not sure coming to see you in Chicago was a good idea.

You see my dear, you were always it for me.. and ten years on I feel just the same as when I met you.

And it was so nice to have you to myself for 4 whole days. I tried to fit a lifetime into it.. because I don’t think we’ll ever have that. Just making pancakes for you, made me happier than all the gold and money and riches in the entire world. That’s how lovely you are. That’s how I know that I will love you for as long as I’m alive.. just sitting on a hill holding your hand was one of the best moments of my life. You make me laugh and feel happy again after so long of just darkness.. I caught myself trying to memorize everything again.. the way you look when you’re sleeping… the feel of your hand on mine, the wonderful sound of your laugh. I know it’s just not in the stars for us, but I will never undertand how the universe can be so cruel, to give me everything I’ve ever wanted in one human being.. only to go through my life knowing you’re out there and I can’t be with you. It is like a dagger in my heart every single day. I wake with it. I fall asleep with it. Even when I’m with some other guy.. he’s never you.

So what am I supposed to do? I thought after 7 years of not seeing you, I was strong enough to just walk away again. But I’m on my knees in pieces now. I miss you.

you hung the moon, the stars.. you are every breath in my lungs, you are every sweet note of music that I hear. You are everything. Simply everything.

so tell me how to do this. how do I go on and breathe and live when I don’t get to wake up next to you, when I don’t get to make pancakes for you every sunday, when someday you leave this earth and I’m left here.. with an empty heart thats never healed from the memory of you.

All I have is holding you in my arms at the airport, tears streaming down both our faces.. and hearing you tell me you loved me before I walked away…

I hope that is enough xx

“I pray every night for you and your peace”

Subject line: My dearest Liana

My dearest Liana. I know I broke your heart, and once broken it cannot be mended as you told me. I know I can never have you in my life again, even though I pray every night for you and your peace. I am so heart broken, I miss you with every ounce of my being. I have lost the one that loved me with all of her heart and I loved her with all of my soul, but tossed it away like so much trash in one moment of stupidity. I still love you and am still in love with you. I see you in my mind with the birds, cursing because Jamie removed the bolt from the door and it fell on your foot. Or as you walked and sang to them with gusto and abandonment. I miss you pumpkin head, I miss you with all of me, and will do anything in my power to have you back. I know you said you forgive me, and you also said you do not love me anymore and all of these things I accept, but the hurt and loss is to great to bear, it weighs heavy on me, to heavy to carry. The tears make it hard to type and the emotions make it hard to think but one thing remains clear, I love you still, I will always love you. I love you so much I will let you go and be happy elsewhere. Be at peace dear Liana.

“I would pretty much have to keep a little distance from the kids.”

Subject line: Not Understanding You ???

I never understood WHY you told the Lies In the first Place ?
And then I don’t Understand WHY you didn’t just come clean so we could go on ???
WHY do you ACT like you miss me and after a short time send a way to contact you ???
Then once I do, You get mean as hell and then go away again ???
We both Know it has nothing to do with Friendship. We both Know we could never have that type of relationship.
Listen I don’t expect perfection ~~ I’m Far from perfect !!!
We ALL have things in our head and Mind. Some about ourselves and some about others…
You mentioned The things We Experienced Together …. That means you DO really miss me… You have mentioned
MANY things that I have thought about. You ONLY think about THOSE things if your missing Someone !!!
I really do Believe you MISS ME but it HAS TO BE PRIDE !!!
You let go of someone that you Want and Need….. That’s going to be a painful life experience !
We ALL get angry and say things WE MAY or MAY NOT mean.
We are equipped with a thing, built in from the factory called forgiveness !
You know ALL those months of breaking up and staying apart…. Well The feeling I was getting from you was
If I came to you, You would shoot me down ~ I had to of been right because I have now came to you many times !
VERY FEW times have you came to me ! At least that’s how I see it !!!!
You Have to let me be me and I YOU !
If You want to talk to me.. YOU KNOW HOW !
I want you to know that I am willing to forgive and FORGET and NOT bring it up Again !

BUT in return…….. I NEED you to start talking to me and let me know what you WANT and EXPECT and
I also want to know YOU !!! You need to open up to me and tell me those dark secrets so I understand better,
And trust me with your Heart !!!

If Not….. Well Baby.. I will Miss you and we will keep what we have !!!

All the Arguement s we had… Was because I didnt understand. YOU have to talk to me, So I know what and how your thinking !

I Do Love You With All My Heart !!!

I need your Love AND TRUST !!!

We BOTH have found that ones we date…. Theres NOTHING THERE….
Thats because THEY …arent YOU AND I !!!
We will Never Find Someone that fits together like we do !!!

PS. I would pretty much have to keep a little distance from the kids….
I understand a lot better now about Why that Family Thing I wanted Didn’t happen !
I don’t know if you Know this or thought about it .. But The things you told me I didn’t
understand because you never explained WHY.
That’s WHY Everything took me time to understand !

I Dont look at it as being Weak… But Honestly Loving Someone !
Times Like This Is What Proves Your Love.. !!!
ANYONE can say they Love You …


“I replay our conversations over in my head two or three times while trying to fall asleep.”

Subject line: I love you… so much!

I have thought about you every single day since the day we met. You are the most beautiful, most sincere, kindest, and loveliest woman I’ve ever known. You have a perfect smile and it literally makes my heart race every time I picture it in my head. I play it cool to your face – as cool as I can anyways – and try not to let on exactly how attracted I am to you. Truth be told, I look forward to my time with you more than I’ve ever looked forward to anything in my life. I replay our conversations over in my head two or three times while trying to fall asleep. Every time you touch my arm, harmlessly flirt, or even glance and make eye contact with me, a feeling so unbelievably amazing rushes through my veins. It is the greatest feeling I’ve ever experienced… every single time it happens. I am so grateful to have you in my life and even more grateful to have you as a friend. You mean the world to me.

It saddens me that I’m not the guy you’re with; but at the same time, I am happy for you because I know how happy you are. If I could tell you these things to you personally without screwing up our friendship and disrespecting your relationship, I would in a heartbeat. There are so many things I wish I could tell you… like how I am trying to become the absolute best person I can possibly be, so that if the time ever does come, and I’m lucky enough to be with you, I can be the man that you deserve to be with. I’m not there yet. I have a long, long ways to go. But I wake up every morning with the intention of trying to become everything you deserve. You have no idea – but you motivate me to be extraordinary. I promise you that I will give it everything that I’ve got. I love you! I love you!! I am so ridiculously in love with you!!

“Choices have to be made.”

It’s not a matter of fear that I don’t risk leaping. You cannot right the wrongs of the past. Time has a way of changing so many things. A person can still love you thirty years from now as much as they did when you first met and fell in love.

It’s not fear, it’s trust. When you love someone and they leave you hurt that open wound is often so painful for those who are delicate and sensitive it is almost crushing to their entire being. At the time you hurt them they trusted you, believed in you and thought you loved them. The longer you ignore them and leave that wound open to them allowing them to feel the pain inflicted they feel betrayed by your love. You could have stopped their pain if you really loved them. You could have made right then and settle the issues between them if you loved them.

Why would you make someone suffer such pain for years and years if you loved them. Why would pride, ego and the need to be right be more important than your love for them.

What and who they believed you to be, that person who loved them is no more than empty words as they suffer through the healing process and the pain you’ve left them tormented with.

You can’t come back to that place in time and make it better now. The wounds may heal, but the memory of the pain and the person who caused it is forever in my memory. I may love you with all my heart as much today as I did then, but I can’t trust that you wouldn’t abandon me now as you did then.

It’s not that fear being with you, it’s that I can’t trust you. If you cheated on me then and with me while living with someone else, where’s love going to prevent you from cheating on me with someone else?

No matter how much you love someone then and still now, there’s a point where a person realizes that their better judgement says it’s not what’s best for you or what’s right.

Choices have to be made. Choices that are better for my well being than what my heart tells me I want. I’d be lying to myself and you if I said, “the past will never be mentioned again or I’ve forgiven all and love conquers all fears and I trust you.”

I can say it, but there’s a place hidden inside me that keeps a small doubt that will eventually grow from the negatives that feed it and soon any and all things that start good loving you in the beginning will be eradicated, it’s just a matter of time.

You can’t go back to the past. If you separate with no pains or hurt between you and are just to people who take different paths and meet again later in life you have a chance at it working.

Too much time has past and we both have insecurities.

You can’t make someone leap just because you now want what you fucked up in the past. You should have proven you loved me then and not made me suffer the pain. If you’d loved me you wouldn’t have left me in such a state of emotional pain, you would have taken the pain away then by loving me.

When you leave a wound open and cause a person to suffer the torment of facing the reality that you weren’t the person they thought loved them because if you did you wouldn’t have left them to deal with such pain when you could have stopped it then.

If you allowed ego, pride and stubborness to guide you, then you fucked up and you can’t take it back now. Ego, pride and sutbborness and the need to be right was more important to you than me.

I won’t put my heart out there again. I stay where I’m safe and keep the memories of love filed back in my head.

So remember today if there’s anyone you’ve wronged that you may feel that you love or could love as much as you did me to make it right with them now before you fuck up another good thing.

If it was meant to be, it would have been then. It’s not meant to be and I must move on now. I had faith and hope in believing you loved me then. I can’t trust in it now. I won’t leap and leave all that I have and built over the years because you say you love me and it will be alright. It won’t be alright, it will never be alright because you didn’t make it right at the time it happened.

There is a time limitation on correcting the wrongs done to another. After so long a person loses faith in you to be a good person because you left them to suffer.

No one who has a heart or compassion in them for another human being would leave someone to silence and suffering. No one. To do so means you’ve a cold heart. A person doesn’t change who they are they only become better.

I forgive you with all my heart and love you but I can never forget the pain from that time. Again, I’m sorry.


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