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Currently Browsing: Angry Love Letter

“I shared myself with you.”

subject line: so missing you…

I hate this. I hate that I told you that your bullshit was bullshit. And if you popped up, I wouldn’t say no. I miss you so. Your kisses were like air… like water. I needed you. I needed you, but I was not willing to say all of this. I let you see my vulnerable heart. I shared myself with you. We’re grown ups. You know the complexities. And you know the depth of my feelings. It is a precious thing.

I just love you more than you can ever know.

“You smug ,unwarranted pretentious prick;”

Dear Ben,

You smug ,unwarranted pretentious prick; I am positive that gave you some sort of perverse pleasure.
This is what I truly think:
It all starts when I gaze into your eyes looking for your soul, only to find your empty, meaningless antidotes and one-liners, which, by the way, reeked of the worst kind of insincerity- obligatory. Get off of your self proclaimed pedestal and open your eyes. When will the imprudent deceit stop? You don’t have to right to patronize anyone. You may think, in some delusional way, that you are “sparing feelings”- hardly the case. Although, I can’t get off the hook that easily, I must admit there were several times conceded to your patronizing words only to make things “easier”, but usually not without allowing some choice words to calm myself. While I’m on the subject, who do you think you are? A gift? Really? Isn’t it just enough to be with someone? Why must you create a sense artificial adoration? Is it in order to make things more comfortable? Are you incapable of saying what you really feel? Notice I said feel, not think; most of the people in your life a fully aware of your capacity to ruin a perfectly good time with your uncensored, excessive displays of what Brian knows. Congratulations!
All this said I feel I should clarify a few things. I still don’t know why I am attracted to you. Maybe it’s an illness I haven’t quite outgrown, or the classic women’s desire to “fix”. Who knows.. But even within your charade, I found a time to shine, which can only be described in one word- faked.
Well I feel better. Now there will no tension under the rare circumstance that we should see each other. It is quite liberating to say what you actually feel; you should try it some time. LOL

Best Wishes,
Jess

“just maybe, someone will be able to save you.”

Subject line: Oh my dear

It is indeed wonderful to see you showing the world that you, too, can be such a pretty girl. It’s too bad that you are a two faced, victim playing little boy on the inside. No amount of high heels or makeup can cover who you really are, lover.

But you’ve gotten so good at fooling everyone, so why stop now? Keep playing the part and maybe no one will notice how empty or how hollow this charade is, maybe they won’t see that you are so twisted inside that you have no idea what to do anymore. Maybe, just maybe, someone will be able to save you.

Doubtful, dearest. Hard to save you when you cast away those who love you when the going gets tough. Or is it just that the new relationship chemistry goes away and that is what you are truly after?

Better to not be alone for a while, than to be alone forever… right?

“How you drug the divorce out intentionally”

Subject line: Haven’t forgotten

I haven’t forgotten how you lit up the room everytime you were among even people you didn’t know. The reaction you had when I first reached out vulnerable and alone. The fragile and quiet strength that you possessed, though even you didn’t believe in it, how you rescued me from entrapment and naiivety, how you held me pressed up against me in bed with your hand massaging my stomach getting the bubbles out,.. the loud screaming matches and slammed doors in each others faces, the baseball you threw and smashed glass on my face, the water glittering with stars as a preclude of the diamond you’d put on my finger on Eliott Bay, the house that even the animals were afraid of that you restored (and I helped), the nights we’d park and look down on the city made anew each time, your mother screaming at you when you were sick in our house after I’d waited on you hand and foot demanding the return of her credit card, the first time I gave you head at a country house and a child came out and we had to run away, our first night at Pappa haydens with the kiwi dacqueries and across the table I timidly reached across for your hand when you opened up about being hurt, puking the day before our wedding out the window of the red truck as we went over the interstate bridge, wanting and worrying about being the perfect wife for you and fitting into your world, the night you left with only one white shirt pair of socks and underwear… The next mornings phone call when you declared divorce and then you didn’t talk to me for 55 days…
Getting pushed to my limit of grief and heartache… Wanting to save you from people I felt were
the polar opposite of you, defending you and your abandoning me, walking the ledge on the forth floor balcony hoping to fall, writing you letters, falling asleep on our wedding album as tears stained the colors, you calling 55 days later… How I was never good enough to fit in w your family not rich and not Jewish… My inordinate amount of inner pain and turmoil… Pushing my finger down my throat and forcedly purging you out of my system on a regular basis… The phone call you gave to say “I love u, but showing my love for you makes me weak as a man after being fooled that you wanted to work this out… The arbitration you didn’t even think enough of me to come to… How one moment you were 250% involved and supportive in my life and the next year you became -250%…
how I fought for us for you and for me… The last time we slept together before the divorce… How you drug the divorce out intentionally… How you’re now calling me names and referring to who I am with next…my change of the most resilient kind. How we never resolved or settled any of this and how we can’t be sure we really knew each other anymore. Your betrayal of not sitting down with me.. Your selfishness that rings true daily. How even though it’s all very true… I still will not let myself think the worst of yot or give up either

“FORGAVE YOU FOR GIVING ME A BLACK EYE AND STABBING ME WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS, AND EVEN DROP THE CHRGES IN COURT”

Subject line: FINALLY OVER YOU

FINALLY AFTER AT LEAST A YEAR OF HEALING I AM OVER YOU. I HAVE HAD A YEAR ALMOST TO THINK ABOUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE, WHEN WE MET IN A BAR(FIGURES WHY IT DIN’T WORK OUT) YOU WERE LIVING WITH YOUR FAKE WIFE,(STUPID VODOO MARRIAGE YOU HAD) SO YOU CHEATED ON HER WITH ME, THEN WHEN MY MOMDIED AND I WENT AWAY YOUCHEATED ON ME INSTEAD OF SUPPORTING ME. THEN THIS PAST MARCH YOU WERE WITH SOMEONE WHOM YOU MARRIED IN JULY AND I WONDER IF SHE KNOWS WE SCREWED IN YOUR BASEMENT THEN. SO YOU HAVE ALREADY CHEATED ON HER,THEN I FORGAVE YOU FOR GIVING ME A BLACK EYE AND STABBING ME WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS, AND EVEN DROP THE CHRGES IN COURT CAUSE I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO GO TO PRISON. TELL ME DO YOU STILL HAVE TO BLOW INTO THAT CONTRAPTION TO START YOUR JEEP?? PATHATIC, AND SAD.I KNEW YOUR DRINKING WOULD CATCH UP WITH YOU. IT IS WHEN I SLOWED DOWN ON THE DRINKING THAT I MET MY FUTURE HUSBAND, WHO IS THE BEST THING EVER HAPPEN TO ME.HE IS SEXY KIND AND GENEROUS,ELECTRICAL ENGINEER AND DOESN’T WORK CRAZY HOURS.WE LIVE IN MARBLEHEAD BUT WORK 5 MINUTES APART IN PEABODY AND OFTEN SHARE OUR LUNCHES TOGETHER. YESTERDAY WHEN WE WENT OUT TO WATCH THE GAME I LOOKED AT HIM AND COULDN’T BELIEVE HOW LUCKY I GOT. GOD CLOSED ONE VICIOUS DOOR AND OPENED A BEAUTIFUL DOOR WITH HIM. I ONLY WISH HE HAD DONE IT SOONER. AND YET FOR SOME STRANGE REASON I WILL SOMEWHAT ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND WISH YOU LUCK, CAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO NEED IT.MY LIFE HAS TURNED AROUND FOR THE BETTER AND MY DAUGHTER(WHOM I FINALLY HAVE JOINT CUSTODY AND IS LIVING WITH ME) ADORES HIM AND HE ADORES HER.GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR LIFE YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, PRAY FOR TROUBLED PEOPLE. BYE THE WAY TELL YOUR FAT WHALE OF A ROOMATE THAT I HAVE BLOCKED HER NUMBER AND DON’T BOTHER LEAVING UNTRUE STUPID MESSAGES, WHEN IS HER BAY DUE SHE HAS BEEN PREAGNANT SINCE I MET HER!!! LOL TAKE CARE AND KNOW I AM DOING AWESOME AND LOVINLIFE!!!!!

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