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“5 years since you left me here.”

Subject line: I miss you
It’s almost 5 years now. 5 years since I uprooted my life for you. 5 years since I did everything for you. 5 years since you left me here.

Almost 5 years and I still wake up every day thinking of you — spend my nights dreaming of you.

This time of the year is always the hardest. It was during this time that it all started to unravel — despite that I thought I was doing what I should, what was expected.

I’m sorry for the mistake I made. I should have told you I loved you sooner. I should have told you how much you meant to me sooner. But, I was scared. I was scared of what it meant, scared if I could, scared of ending up here if I did, alone and lost. I should have told you at your Birthday party that year, while I sat next to you, holding you. That picture still haunts me, the two of us sitting with each other — all your friends sitting around us. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. I’m sorry that my actions didn’t speak louder than 3 simple words — I thought for sure they did.

I should have shouted it out at your party, to the world. Stood atop the tallest peak and made sure the world knew just how much I loved you and more importantly that you knew how much I loved you, cherished you. In the end, I tried in my own way, but failed horribly and embarrassed you, me — my love. I’m sorry.

I miss it all. I hate it all. I loved all of it and I long for it all back, still. I can’t escape you here in our home. I’m surrounded by what was and what should have been. And, I can’t heal. I can’t grow. I can’t move on. This is my prison. Where is my closure. Where is my escape.

I’m sorry. I love you still, wishing I couldn’t, wouldn’t and shouldn’t. Alone in our home, looking out the windows at what was and what could have been.


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